I always knew I would be a mother. I had no doubt in my mind that that’s what my future would hold, as cliche as it sounds I was born to be a mum. And not to sound too conceited but I knew I would be good at it. 

When they passed me my baby girl in theatre, it was a bizarre feeling holding this little stranger, even though I had housed her for 9 months, she was still completely alien to me in the outside world. The day we left hospital I felt completely out of my depth, cursing the midwives for allowing this beautiful baby girl to leave with such an incompetent mother such as myself. I would have to keep this little one alive and that statement of ‘I was born to be a mum’ sounded so idiotic now. 

However, keeping her alive was not as difficult as it seemed. Doing so on little sleep and little food was the tricky part. Everyone kept saying ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ it’s easier said than done when you have a house to maintain and food to prepare. It was safe to say for the first month, actually scratch that, the first year. I survived on very little and online shopping became my new best friend. Online shopping, what a revelation, this had to have been invented by a struggling mum...there’s no doubt in my mind. 

Now, I was one of the lucky ones, I had opted to attend NCT classes to meet parents-to-be who were having babies similar times to me. So I had already gained five new wonderful friends just from becoming a human incubator. If it wasn’t for my friend Jo who lived locally to me, suggesting we go out and try baby classes on a regular basis, I think I would have gone insane. Although staying indoors, cuddling my newborn whilst watching the Outlander series was still very appealing. I mean have you seen Sam Heughan?? Ladies, do yourself a favour. 

As this little ‘devil child’, I mean beautiful treasure...honest, started to get older, my mum friend list expanded. People who would never have walked into my life except for these tiny humans. It was interesting seeing other people’s approach to parenting. Here’s what I discovered: Firstly, you have the textbook mum. The one woman who reads and reads every parenting book going and obsesses over leaps and stages constantly. Secondly, you have the judgemental mum. Oh well you know breast is best...looking over at me battling with sterilised bottles, boiling water and formula. Lastly, and my personal favourite, the ‘what will be, will be’ mum’. This is me down to the letter. I didn’t need an app to tell me what was going on. I liked to think it was instinct...but mostly it was just common sense. 

So motherhood? All in all so far it’s a breeze...said no one ever. I mean I can just about cope with my toddlers tantrums and her episodes of being adorable one moment then being a psychopath the next. But what I didn’t expect or prepare for, was the loneliness. Now as i've stated previously I was very lucky to have met lots of mums and could guarantee throughout my maternity, my days were filled with company. Then there were days of complete and utter meltdown, and I don’t mean from my daughter. That overwhelming feeling of stepping back through my front door and being completely alone with this child again. It’s not a rational feeling especially when two minutes prior to that I had been singing some annoying nursery rhyme at another baby class. I had dark days, I still have dark days even now, where I wish someone would walk in, take my baby girl and let me sit for an hour in complete peace. It’s a combination of exhaustion, loneliness and to be completely honest, boredom. That craving for adult connection and a conversation that doesn’t revolve around nappies, sleep patterns and did you know that talc is no longer good for your baby’s health? 

I think throughout my whole, almost, year of maternity leave I had one day to myself, where I went out really early and didn’t return until late at night. Everyone kept saying ‘ you must miss her so much?’ I was nodding all the while thinking ‘I wonder if there’s any rooms available in that hotel?’. No one wants to hear, that actually, I’m loving my freedom and that feeling of not having a baby on my hip constantly. I’ve actually worn normal knickers, my hair is knot free for the first time in months and my clothes aren’t smeared with some questionable food item...at least I hoped it was food. Do you want to know what made me really happy though, out of all the things to be happy about with my new found freedom, I didn’t have to use a lift. I could walk up and down stairs, use escalators if I so wished. I no longer had to stand in a queue cursing the young couple who had pushed in front and who were clearly capable of walking the stairs. 

So, I’m going off on a tangent, today was a dark day. My parents visited the day before and basically bow down to every whim of their granddaughter and why the hell not? They don’t have to pick up the pieces once they’ve gone home. The tears and tantrums because her favourite Teddy, which wasn’t her favourite yesterday, has disappeared. The nappy changing episode which caused so much drama, at least I now know what was really smeared on my clothes. Today ‘Devil child’ really doesn’t come close. When nap time came around I sat on the spare bedroom floor crying whilst sorting through her baby clothes. Why was I crying? Was it nostalgia, looking at the clothes she no longer fits into? Was it that my parents, who gave me five hours respite, leaving a big hole now they’ve gone home? The loneliness seeped in, and the realisation I had no one to call, because my wonderful friends lived 120 miles away from me. The stupid decision of ‘lets move house’ a year into my daughter’s life. 

Another wonderful fact I have learnt about mothers: once they have their friendship groups, it’s bloody difficult to penetrate them. So amazing mamma’s out there, take care of that mum in the corner looking bewildered and unsure of how to approach someone. Text your mum friends regularly ‘to check in’. You have no idea just how much us mums need to stick together. Show each mum your support, not judgement. Offer advice when it’s asked for and approach subjects like stages with caution because babies love to do things differently to one another. But most importantly ask yourself ‘How do I feel?’ and if you say lonely, lost and in need of a friend, I can guarantee there’s twenty other mums feeling exactly the same. 

Because, there I was on my down day, a lone ranger, riding out the toddler years, crying on my bedroom floor, dreaming of shooting the person who created the stupid cartoon ‘Bing’ and wishing my daughter would nap for three hours instead of two. Hoping for a miracle friend to rescue me. Welcome to Motherhood, I wear that title with pride, because let’s face it we are all legends!!