Hi (insert waving emoji!), I’m Lara. I’m a new(ish) mum to Harry, who was born in July last year. I’m still very new on the journey that is parenthood and loving what it has thrown at me so far!

When I first saw that BoyMom was looking for contributors, I jumped at the chance at being able to share my journey with others. Being a mum is the most important thing to me now. Everything else has taken a backseat. Harry is my number one now (sorry hubby!). I’ve had my ups and downs, as every new parent does, but if my experience can help just that one person feel better in their hour of need, that’s all that matters.

I want to try and cover many issues that new mums may experience, from that first conversation about having a baby, to where you are now in your journey. So, as Maria once said, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

I’ve always known I wanted to be a mum. Someone to love unconditionally, that you have grown and nurtured, someone that is completely yours. And I knew when I met my husband 15 years ago, he would be the one I would share that with. Fast forward 13 years (skipping over minor details like buying our first home and getting married!), it was finally time to have that conversation about starting a family. Not that there was much of a conversation to have. We both knew we wanted a family.  We had been to the Dominican Republic on our honeymoon and had to wait 6 months to start trying as the Zika virus was still in the area. It was a countdown. Tick tock, tick tock. I couldn’t wait for that day in February 2018, where I walked into the Family Planning clinic to have my contraceptive implant removed. I left and ran to buy ovulation sticks, folic acid, pregnancy tests and anything else that would help us make a baby! (Who knew how expensive all this stuff cost!) My periods came back pretty quickly, which helped with the ovulation tracking.

I also managed to get on a market research trial for ClearBlue. I was in the control group, meaning I couldn’t use any of my new sticks and potions to help indicate when I was ovulating. We just had to “try” to take tests on allotted days. The first day I had to take a pregnancy test, I had forgotten to do it! My husband had to remind me! June 16th 2018...my first positive pregnancy test! We couldn’t believe it! We had only really had 2-3 full months of trying and here we were, pregnant! I did another test, just to be sure. That came back positive as well. We were gobsmacked! But happily gobsmacked of course, our family was growing.

A week later, I began to bleed. I told myself it was implantation bleeding and bought a pregnancy test just to prove it to myself. It came back positive, but the bleeding continued. Then the cramping started. We went to A&E but as the pregnancy was so early, there was nothing they could do. I felt like a statistic. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage - it’s a high statistic, but not one many people talk about. We had an appointment with the early pregnancy unit the next day, who scanned me and confirmed that my womb was empty. I was gutted. But I stayed strong. The positive thing I took from this, was that we could fall pregnant. I had visions of us struggling to conceive, but that fact we fell pregnant so quickly was only a good sign, right?

This only made me more determined to have a baby. I rested and let my body recover. And one cycle later, another positive pregnancy test appeared! August 24th, 2018. We were elated! Our ‘bits’ definitely worked! We had booked a baby making holiday to help with our miscarriage, a week all-inclusive in Lanzarote. Great, no unlimited cocktails for me! I didn’t care. I sat in the sun knowing there was a baby cooking inside of me and couldn’t have been happier. Things changed when we got home. The bleeding started again. We went to A&E, already knowing the outcome. I was distraught. The bleeding felt heavier this time, so had to change my pads more often. I broke when I saw that large clot on the toilet paper. I knew it wasn’t just a clot. I knew that was my baby. The baby my body had rejected yet again. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with my body? What was wrong with my babies? Again, there was nothing that could be done. I could only be ‘grateful’ that my body had flushed everything out, and that I didn’t need invasive surgery to remove anything. I had another scan the next day, and even though I already knew there would be nothing there, I had hoped I had been wrong. I had desperately hoped that they would find a heartbeat and say everything was fine. They didn’t. No heartbeat. No baby. For the second time in 3 months my body had rejected our baby. I felt like such a failure. The one thing I should be able to do. This miscarriage hit me hard. I felt numb. The statistics were not on my side. I cried and cried. The nurses were amazing. They held me and told me it’s not my fault. Deep down I knew that, but it didn’t help at the time.

A couple of days later and I was lying in bed with my husband, I had cried myself out. He had been there to wipe all my tears away. I felt so guilty when he broke down that night. I hadn’t even considered how this had affected him. It was my body that was going through it, I hadn’t even had considered his loss at all. That was the last time I cried. I stayed strong and held him as he had held me all those nights before. Ladies, don’t ever forget that. You’re not the only one experiencing a loss. Hold each other tight and lean on each other.

Amazingly, my body also recovered quickly from that miscarriage too. On November 4th, 2018, I had my last positive pregnancy test. My sticky little bean made it and life has never been the same! I’ll save my pregnancy for another post as that’s another journey completely.

Life is full of surprises. It has its up. It has its downs. Your journey is your own - don’t compare it anyone else’s. Everyone has their secrets, skeletons in their closets, their own battles, but miscarriage is not one people openly talk about.