Motherhood: Year 1

I can’t believe the time is near,

You’ve nearly been on Earth a year.

Your first birthday has come at last,

The nights really were long but the year so fast.

I look back at what I’ve learnt so far,

My first year of motherhood, my first as Mama.

A hazy blur of highs and lows,

And questioning everything, but who really knows?

From the moment we knew of your existence,

There was no doubt we’d go the distance.

Through sickness, aches and a growing rear,

The worst symptom was the constant fear.

Would I be a good enough mummy?

Were  you ok living in my tummy?

I tried to look after you from the start,

This little bump who stole my heart.

The fluttering feeling of your first movements, 

Felt like you were doing your own home improvements.

When your time was ready to enter the world,

I steadied my breathing but my head was a whirl.

Though things didn’t go to plan,

You had arrived, my little man.

My whole world turned upside down,

Now a new little Prince is wearing the crown.

My love for you made me weak,

Yet the strength it gave me made me complete.

But post partum recovery is no joke,

Physically and mentally, every inch was broke.

Hair loss and my c section scar,

I felt helpless when I couldn’t walk very far.

Every time I looked at you I wanted to squeeze,

But I’d leak whenever I needed to sneeze.

Every inch aches, every bit breaks,

But something in me was now awake.

Breastfeeding came with so many trials,

When we cracked it I was rewarded with smiles.

Many times I just wanted to quit,

Cracked nipples and soreness, I just couldn’t commit.

But then one day it seemed to ease,

My milk was flowing and you were pleased.

It felt like my first achievement as mother,

We both were learning and teaching each other.

And we were tired at the end of the day,

But who knew babies needed to be shown the way?

‘They need helping to sleep but don’t be their crutch’

The minefield of advice was all a bit much.

In your own room or next to me,

A decision that only we could see.

Don’t feed or cuddle or rock to sleep,

It all got so much it made me weep.

Every night when it was time for bed,

I’d get anxious and filled with a sense of dread.

What was tonight going to bring?

We’d all heard enough of me trying to sing.

You got into your sleep eventually,

So I didn’t need to worry essentially!

The sleepy newborn cuddles were magic

But my hormonal tears were pretty tragic.

Was I happy or sad- an emotional wreck,

I felt like I needed a reality check.

But when your tiny hands grab hold of mine,

I know everything is going to be just fine.

I didn’t think I really knew,

How much of my life I would talk about poo.

Too much or too little, the consistency at first,

Then what to do with an explosive outburst!

Then weaning changes everything,

With all the worries that it brings.

“Before one is just for fun”

But reading of choking is a scary one.

Once we started we couldn’t get dressy,

As every meal time got so messy.

Some days you would cry nonstop,

We blamed it on teething and I’d wish we could swap,

I wished you could tell us what was wrong,

But when you started to communicate you were so headstrong!

You know exactly what you want,

Your little personality you want to flaunt.

But as independent as you want to be,

We still both know that you need me.

Sometimes it feels all too much,

That a little human just needs me to clutch.

When I remember how it used to be,

I miss certain aspects of the old me.

But instead of losing, it’s just change,

An extra aspect added to my range.

I look down at my wobbles and countless stretch marks,

What a mess, my brain remarks.

My body confidence is not the same,

Yet I definitely shouldn’t feel shame.

This body made and carried a little boy,

One who is giving me so much joy.

My identity has certainly shifted,

Now I’m a Mummy too, I do feel gifted.

But a whole new life I’ve had to get used to,

Our daily routine is all brand new.

All the parent and baby classes,

And new mums I was meeting in the masses.

It’s nice to have someone to talk to,

And to realize that none of us really have a clue.

We’re all just winging it and going with out gut,

We know you the best and know it’s not so clear-cut.

I’ve tried to give up google for this reason precisely,

But at 3 in the morning it’s hard to think concisely. 

The worrying about you is still one of the worst parts,

When you hurt yourself it really breaks my heart.

But I know it’s part of growing and that you need to learn,

I can’t protect you forever even when I have concern.

And Mum guilt is always lingering it the back of my mind,

What will you be doing when I’m at the daily grind,

I know I have to work and be a good role model,

Even though all I want to do is stay with you and coddle,

But you’re growing by the second and leaning all new things,

It’s really quite exciting to see what each day will bring.

Bringing you home from hospital doesn’t seem so long ago,

And yet you’ve just outgrown another babygro.

It’s been a year of firsts, I could’ve almost cried,

When your first word was ‘mama’ it filled me with such pride.

Though time just me and Daddy has halted at the station,

We wouldn’t change a thing as you’re our best creation.

We know this time goes quickly as this year just flew,

Soon you’ll be fully grown and we’ll go back to life as two.

I never even realized how much love I had to give,

My every moment is filled with it, for you I know live.

And when life is getting tough but you treat me to a smile,

Everything falls in to place and I know it’s all worthwhile.

So as I look back on this year I can’t believe how far we’ve come,

And that I got to spend it all being called your Mom.

What the future holds I just can’t wait to see,

I’m so glad that I’m your Mother, I’m so glad you picked me.