The Hardest Part of Being a Mum...

For me, the hardest part of being a Mum is the self-flagellation we constantly do, we as Mums are constantly beating ourselves up. I hear so many people on Mum’s groups, at work and with friends talking about “Is it bad that I did this, or that” or even “Is it bad that I felt like this…” How we feel, should always be ok.  For me, sometimes at 3am, when I’m yet to sleep (my children hate sleeping apparently), I miss my old life where I could sleep as much or as little as I wanted.  Then I immediately feel guilty for feeling like that. And I hold myself up against the perfect “Insta-Mum’s” who’s kids of course sleep through the night, or if they don’t, they love being up with them because it’s extra time to spend with the little darlings. I immediately feel guilty for not loving this time with my twins and I feel like a rubbish Mum for not getting them sleeping through the night by 20 months, and so the cycle begins.

There are so many parts of parenting we can berate ourselves for, sleep habits, eating habits, how clean they are (or aren’t), how clean your house is, how clean you are, how well behaved they are, how they interact, how moody they are, how loud they are and so on, there are so many times when I apologise about the state of my house or the state of my children, or the state of myself, yet nobody is asking me to apologise, or calling me out. This is my own shame. This shame however is constructed from what we see on TV, in the media and more often now, on social media, and none of those mediums are 100% real.  In the virtual world we are surrounded by perfect homes, perfect looking children, families who look fresh and ready for anything. We are confronted with articles about the bad Mum’s who fed their children junk or co-slept, or who didn’t co-sleep. We are faced with ideals, dreams and contradictions, the “Mum-world” is a confusing place.

To make it even more confusing what we see out there isn’t always an accurate depiction. Maybe some of those “Insta-Mum’s” lives aren’t fake, but I’m sure the majority of Mum’s have had moments of missing their old lives, moments of wondering what they were thinking, moments of doing the easy thing, instead of the right thing. I’m sure most of us have felt rubbish, have wished for an easier day or a full night’s sleep. To all of those “Insta-Mums,” give yourselves permission to be real, to show both the good and the bad. To allow the rest of us to not have an impossibly high marker to miss. We’re all on the motherhood journey, some further along than others, some finding it easier, some finding it harder, lets help each other, lets allow each other to be ourselves and not feel guilty.

Being a first time Mum is an adventure, with ups and downs, and there is no right or wrong (well there is, but generally speaking) it’s ok to be unsure, ok to question yourself, ok to make mistakes. It’s not ok however to make yourself feel bad for getting it wrong, or not conforming to perceived “Mum guidelines”. We need to be our own best friend instead of our own worst enemies, your instincts are mostly right and when they’re not, just try again. Motherhood should be a safe place to make mistakes because we as a group of Mum’s should have each other’s backs.

Which brings me on to the “judgy-Mum’s. They will judge you, no matter what you do. I had a “friend” tell me off because I said I hated being pregnant (I stand by that. I have twins, it was painful) she said I should be more grateful, as some people can’t have children. That was my first experience of “Judgy Mums” and also my first experience of the Mum guilt as I immediately felt bad for not enjoying my pregnancy. Yet retrospectively, it’s ok to feel whatever you feel. Pregnancy is difficult (or can be – it certainly was for me) and it’s ok to not enjoy it. What I don’t understand is why my friend felt the need to comment. Maybe to do with her own insecurities. I’ve heard many other comments from “judgy-Mums” for example, at a busy Mum’s group “your baby is disgusting, he’s eating off the floor” erm… is your baby even real if he hasn’t! but wouldn’t simply moving the food from the floor have been a better way to deal with that?

And that’s the question isn’t it, why do people feel the need to comment or to judge, maybe they’re just trying to ease their Mum guilt. Trying to feel better than other mums, better about themselves, but we’re all the same, (generalisation alert) and we’re all just getting through the days of endless chaos of beautiful moments followed by nightmare ones and if more people admitted to that, the “mum-world” would be a better place. It’s ok to hold your hands up and say “it’s hard” or “I got it wrong” or “I miss sleep”. It’s ok to admit that “My child is hard work”, or “I’m struggling” and maybe if more of us did, it would create a safer environment for other Mum’s to speak out, to be themselves and to feel less isolated and maybe that in turn would help Mum’s with postnatal depression or mental health problems.

Let’s be kinder to each other, let’s be a team, let’s carry each other, let’s be real, let’s be our beautifully flawed selves and accept that as who we are. Let’s stop beating ourselves up and instead celebrate our journey, let’s enjoy those journeys, but not beat ourselves up when we don’t. Let’s be kind to each other but as importantly, kind to ourselves.