Why Don't They Tell You About the Fear?

Okay, so you’re pregnant and you very quickly become one of the most precious beings walking the earth. Strangers strike up conversations with you in the street, your work colleagues regularly touch your bump, and everyone wants to share their very own birthing stories with you – almost like they want to scare the living daylights out of you! 

It seems that everyone has a little piece of advice for when baby arrives but what they don’t tell you is about ‘the fear’…

So, my baby was born 10 days earlier than he was due and he came pretty quickly. No time to think about anything other than getting him here safely. Then, I was handed this treasured little bundle of joy and within 5 hours we were sent home together. 

I am a first-time mum; I have never looked after a baby before and the responsibility of being in charge of another person’s life hit like a ton of bricks. Now, before baby, I thought I had been in love. I love my partner; I love my family and friends; but I have never loved another person the way I love this tiny human! He grew inside of me. He is half of me. In fact, he is all of me. My life has become his and that’s when the fear kicks in. 

The overwhelming feeling of love and joy is incredible, and this is not a post about negativity, as having a baby and giving birth is one of the best, most magical things to ever grace this earth. However, during pregnancy I read a lot and never did I come across anything or anyone in fact that is willing to tell you about the horrendous fear that curdles in your stomach when you are sent home with this gorgeous new life that you love so, so much.

The first night I didn’t sleep – I couldn’t stop watching over my baby’s crib, soaking up every little bit of him and everything he did. I took photographs. I laughed. I smiled. I cried. I worried. What if something unthinkable happened? What if I couldn’t help him or I didn’t know what to do? What if I am doing something wrong? Is he too cold? Is he too warm? All these emotions are overwhelming. It’s like the best experience you could ever have mixed with one of the scariest. 

I remember physically shaking when I dressed him, scared I would hurt him, crying insanely when his first nappy leaked up his back as the guilt consumed me and feeling sick to my stomach when he coughed or was sick as I thought something wrong. 

I didn’t box these feelings up, I talked about them openly to anyone who would listen – a problem shared is a problem halved as they say but to hear back the words ‘stop worrying’ from those closest to me was so frustrating. You can’t tell a worrier not to worry, it’s in my DNA.

Now this fear wasn’t continuous. During the daytime we would be fine, we would have visitors, go on days out, almost conquering the world as it were but when this dark wave did come over me it would happen so quick I wouldn’t even have time to know about it until it was all over and done with. 

The fear became so bad that one night, while sat watching tv with my partner, baby fast asleep, I did my routinely check – is he still breathing? In that instant, I felt my own life drain from my own body and I begin to panic. I lifted my baby’s arm for it to drop back down without any resistance. By this point, my partner came over to us as I was pale faced and in a state of shock repeating the words ‘something’s wrong, something’s wrong’. 

Nothing was wrong! Our little precious baby was just sleeping. Having a good sleep at that, only to be disturbed by his mum’s overbearing worrying. Daddy took baby while I momentarily passed out on the sofa, legs like jelly as once again I had gone from 0 to 100 in a millisecond from rational thoughts to irrational thoughts unnecessarily. 

When feelings like this hit, it can seem like they will never go away. I remember thinking that this painful fear will consume me for his whole life and even found myself creating terrifying scenarios from the future in my head – what if’s can drive you mad. But I am here to tell you that they DO go away, eventually. They take work, as there is nothing more powerful than your own thoughts but letting the fear take over, strips you of enjoying your little ones first precious moments and no one should lose those – they aren’t little for long. I came to realise that worrying about things that may or may not happen only means, that should your worst fear ever happen in reality; you have then inevitably put yourself through it twice. The time it did happen and the time you feared it happening. 

I realised that if there was ever a scary situation that occurred in real life, my earlier reaction would have made it a million times worse. If something really had been wrong, me passing out on the sofa would have been the worst thing for my baby. I need to be alert and present and alongside that I want to enjoy every second of my baby. 

So yes, the fear is real, and the fear is awful but you are a mum so therefore you are strong enough to beat it!